Bachelorette fans are slowly getting over the shock of having two women duke it out to be The Bachelorette in the first episode. But now that that's behind us and we can focus on the whole Kaitlyn Bristowe finding The One thing, it’s hard not to notice a slight problem: There’s a massive amount of douchebags this season trying to win her heart.
Seriously—it’s like producers made douche-baggery a requirement for all contestants, and they’re now laughing their asses off as poor Kaitlyn struggles to find someone, anyone, who isn’t at least a quasi-dick.
We can just see the casting room now: “Are you a nice guy? Yes? Uh...don’t call us; we’ll call you.” (No wonder rumor has it she doesn’t end up picking anyone at the end of the season—although we're sure that will incite plenty of backlash if it turns out to be true.)
To be fair, some of the guys seem nice (like two of them), but at the rate men keep outing themselves as jerks this season, we’re not holding our breath that the innocent ones don’t have some deep, dark, d-bag tendencies tucked away.
So with that in mind, here are the remaining Bachelorette contestants ranked from least to most douche-y. Good luck with that, Kaitlyn.
15. Jared
I've got nothing on this guy. He’s sweet, he’s gorgeous, and he said all he wanted to do was see Kaitlyn when Ben Z. beat the crap out of him in the boxing ring and he had to go to the hospital. There’s also this quote from his Bachelorette bio: “For the past six years, I've been a volunteer at a week-long summer camp for children with cancer.” Da-yum.
14. Tanner
Tanner is an auto finance manager from Kansas City who hates it when his date can’t hold a conversation or gets sloppy drunk. Oh! I read that on The Bachelorette website—because he’s pretty much done nothing so far.
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13. Joshua
On the sex ed date, Joshua was supposed to talk about periods. In his words, “I got ‘tamp-ins’.” Err...
12. Ben H.
Ben H. did a good job of turning a sex ed talk to a bunch of kids into a sweet, semi-romantic gesture. He seems to be a fairly decent guy, but the cameras definitely caught him chewing on a toothpick while hanging with the guys when there was no food in sight. Douche-y dude, or just a dude with douche-y dental hygienic habits? The jury’s still out.
11. Ian
Ian told Amy Schumer that really lame “interrupting cow” knock-knock joke that’s all the rage with 7-year-olds these days. And a trailer for the season has him cornering Kaitlyn at some point and questioning her motives for being on the show. So...nice knowing you, Ian.
10. Corey
Corey blew everyone away with his “charm” when he told Kaitlyn, “I think there’s an attraction to you. Like, I would talk to you if I saw you out.” And according to one tabloid, he was married for 15 months and then got divorced, even though he hasn’t mentioned it to Kaitlyn. Interesting...
9. Justin
There’s something about Justin that hints of douche-y-ness down the road. He said he was “shocked” when Kaitlyn gave Ben Z. a group date rose after his “awesome” conversation with her in which he told her he had a son. Clearly that fact alone should have landed him the rose.
8. Chris “Cupcake”
So Chris is a dentist. He drove up to meet the potential love of his life in...a cupcake car. Why?! He says wanted to do something “sweet” for the girls, although he usually tells his patients to stay away from candy. Womp womp. (And in case you're wondering whether we added in the "Cupcake" nickname, we didn't—it's listed on Chris' official Bachelorette bio.)
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7. Joe
Joe’s hair is so perfectly coiffed that he’s got to be using a pound of hair gel per styling session. Like, we might have a Jersey Shore Situation-type situation going on here. He also let one of his balls hang out the entire time during the sumo date, which oozes romance. Or not.
6. Ben Z.
Ben Z. played football, you guys! He played football!!! Just wanted to make that clear in case all of his mentions on the show of playing football at some point in his life didn’t sink in. Case in point: “There’s a lot of similarities between sumo wrestling and football, so I have a feeling I’d do pretty well on this date.” And of course, saying that if Jared beat him in boxing, “My football buddies would never let me live that down.” Still trying to figure out the connection between boxing and football, but let us not forget the point here: Ben Z. used to play football!!!
5. Ryan B.
Ryan B. drops down the list solely for having the worst opening line ever: “Hi, Disney princess.” Dude—come on.
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4. Jonathan
So Jonathan admitted that he voted for Britt...but he’s still there. For fame? A pass to skip work? Free booze? Either way, not cool.
3. Shawn B.
Shawn B. has openly talked about “strategy.” He also had a one-on-one moment with Kaitlyn where he laughably threw out things he probably read in a book called Things Girls Like. This is exactly what came out of his mouth: “Seeing you outside the house...it was fun...it’s all real feelings...I never fall so quick,” and then he kissed Kaitlyn. Did we miss something?
2. JJ
JJ has his head so far up his ass (and Clint’s) that he can’t see what a complete and utter douchebag he is. In his own words: “Dude, she looks amazing in leather pants. I definitely want to talk to her, get some one-on-one time.” He’s also extremely overconfident in his charm offensive, telling the cameras that it’s time for the “boys” to go home and “let the big dogs hunt.” Adds JJ: “I’m dealing with a bunch of JV players.”
1. Clint
Oh, Clint! Where do we start? How about the fact that you say you know Kaitlyn isn’t the girl for you, but you’re staying on the show to get more time with your new bestie forever and ever, JJ? Or what about the time you ignored Kaitlyn all night and told JJ, “If she wants to put in an effort, she can.” Or, my personal fave: “Villains gotta villain” after deigning to kiss Kaitlyn in an attempt to stay on the show…for JJ. What villain? Who the what? Luckily, it seems like Kaitlyn’s on to him, calling him “one of the biggest douches in Bachelor history” in the promo for the next episode.
So we can weed out the majority of the contestants and fast-forward to the part where we get to the top four. Agreed?
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