In a perfect world, sex would end with some combination of cuddling, snacks, and multiple high-fives, right? Unfortunately for the 11 women below, the after-sex glow was more like an after-sex fail (with zero snacks involved).
Read their stories, feel their pain, and let's all have a good laugh together.
"I've had a guy come on my chest, which was fine—we were using the withdrawal method—but then lick it all up and try to put it in my mouth. I put my hand over his mouth and asked, 'What are you doing?' He said, 'It's called a snowball. Haven't you ever heard of a snowball?' I said, 'Err, no.' Then he just swallowed it. The next time we had sex, he did the same thing but didn't put it in my mouth. I asked, 'Do you like the taste of it?' He said, 'Yeah, especially after I've eaten pineapple. It's really sweet.' Oy. Apart from that, he was really great in bed! Another time, I was with a guy who made absolutely no attempt to pleasure me. He just climbed on top. Came. Pulled out. Then lay next to me and said, 'I don't mind if you finish yourself off.' He was one of the hottest guys I've ever slept with, but it was the worst sex I've ever had because it was like I wasn't there." —Elly K.
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"The very first time I ever had sex, he held up the used condom and said, 'Souvenir?' I wasn't in love with him and the sex was bad, so I was already feeling crummy before he said that. I didn't say anything and just tried to pretend it never happened." —Marni S.
"I was seeing someone as a rebound after a breakup with an ex I really loved, and I actually started to fall for the new guy. He was so sweet and told me he really liked me, so when he whisked me away on a trip to a B&B one weekend, I was down. We'd been dating about a month and hadn't had sex yet, so the afternoon we arrived, we got straight to it. We'd bonded more on the drive over and it just felt right. Imagine my surprise when, right after we were done—or he was done, rather—he looked at me and offered up the biggest effing red flag ever: 'Did you know that after orgasms, men want to run away? That's, like, a biological fact.' I honestly can't remember how I responded, but I shouldn't have been surprised when he ghosted me about a month later." —Kim C.
"After my first time with this guy I'd only known for a short while, he said, 'Thanks. My friend Paul wants to have sex with you, too.' At first I thought he was kidding and laughed. When I realized he really was offering me to his friend, I put my clothes on and went home! In the morning, he actually had the nerve to call and ask for a ride to the airport. I told him he could wait for me, but he would miss his flight, then I hung up. Never heard from him again, thankfully!" —Joan M.
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"He said, 'Now that I'm done with you, you're not gonna sh*t for weeks.' We didn't even have anal! I honestly don't know what he meant. He says the craziest things. Miraculously, I'm still with him." —Monica W.
"There was this contractor who rehabbed my neighbor's place a few years ago. For several months, we ran into each other around the building. One day, it struck me how I always walked away from the conversation with him smiling and I suddenly realized how much I liked him. I took the initiative and asked him out for coffee, then slept with him on the first date, rationalizing that we had been flirting for six months and were somewhat familiar with each other. After we were done, he said, 'So, call me next time you want to get together like this.' Prior to that, he'd made statements more along the lines of, 'The first thing I thought of when I took this job was that I could see you again,' and 'You're an incredible woman. No, really, you're incredible.' I was so excited and definitely thought, 'Wow, we both really like one another and this is going to be the start of something!' When he finally said that line seconds before he walked out my door, I was stunned and completely speechless. He was 40. I was 46. I couldn’t believe I was faced with what I considered to be a 20-something-year-old’s situation of non-committal guy just wanting a f-buddy." —Ann G.
"In the past, I wrote for and edited sex magazines. I wound up between the sheets one afternoon with a fellow writer I'd recently met, to whom I'd disclosed the specifics of my occupation. After the deed was done, he rolled over and said, 'I'm basically an honest fellow, so I have to tell you I won't be back. I just wanted to see what it was like to have sex with a lady pornographer.'" —Diana S.
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"The all-time most bizarre and offensive thing a guy has ever said right after sex is, 'You’re an attractive woman. You’ve probably got about fifteen good years left.' What do you do with that?" —Roslyn F.
"My best friend was in love with this guy and begged me to accompany her to his apartment one night. I went and ended up hooking up with his roommate. No sex but some below-the-belt hand action on both our parts. The next morning, we all went to Chipotle, and he and I had barely exchanged a word. He was being so awkward. Then when he went to pay for his order, he told the cashier, 'Just mine,' when he handed his card over. Can't even treat me to a burrito after I gave you an orgasm? Cool." —Claire T.
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"I had a friend with benefits who would sometimes make comments about my pubic hair after we had sex. He'd say things like, 'I need a weed whacker' or, 'You don't have to shave, can you just trim it?' I always thought it was annoying, but I didn't let myself get too worked up over it. It seemed uncool to be hurt about body issues because cool girls don't give a f*ck.”—Alicia J.
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