You've planned a romantic weekend getaway for two with your beau at a cozy bed and breakfast, but when it's time to get busy, you begin to realize that the 19th-century accommodations that looked so quaint and charming online suddenly seem way too prim and proper for anything approaching down-and-dirty action.
There's more than the antique dolls being used for decoration to keep in mind, too.
"Most big hotels are built with additional insulation between rooms and floors to reduce noise," says licensed marriage and sex therapist Kat Van Kirk, Ph.D. "B&Bs are much more likely to have very thin residential walls, which might not contain the sounds of your sexual frolicking."
Along with noise control, small inns also don't provide anonymity, so if you’re going to town in one of four rooms in the house, chances are you’ll be receiving some side-eye at breakfast.
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So how can you enjoy the f*ck out of your cozy digs while remaining respectful to the other guests at the same time? Here are some tips.
If you're more interested in the bed than the breakfast, skip the first sit-down meal of the day (or quickly grab some muffins to bring back to your room), and get in a little action while everyone else is downstairs cutting up crepes. You'll have a much easier time relaxing knowing that the other guests are on a separate floor and are too busy with their mimosas to notice any noisy nookie.
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Depending upon your B&B location, most guests will probably be out and about around midday, so you can also schedule a noon-time romp if you want to take advantage of a relatively empty house, says Van Kirk. Just don't forget to use your "do not disturb" door hanger or tell the housekeeping staff that you're taking a nap so they don't come to change the linens at a bad time.
Van Kirk suggests making a game of it and thinking like teenagers again, when covert sex was the only option. Tip-toe to the bathroom, and have a tryst in the tub or shower. Or tie a gag over your mouth to muffle any noise you might make, she says.
Pull the bed away from the wall, close all the windows, and ask for extra towels to shove under the doors, says Van Kirk. "Keep in mind, many B&Bs don't have TVs in the rooms to mask noise," she says. "Bringing your tablet or using your phone to diffuse any sounds you make with music might be helpful."
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Also, pack plenty of lube—dry sex tends to be uncomfortable and louder, says Van Kirk—and add a couple of travel-friendly sex toys to the mix, as well. Many vibrating gadgets are designed with whisper-quiet motors for this exact reason.
If the bed is really old and creaky, Van Kirk recommends doing the deed standing up or on the floor. If you really want to hop in the sack or on any nearby chairs or tables, go slow and put just a little bit of weight on the furniture at a time because you don't know how sturdy (or not!) those antiques may be. And side-by-side lying down sex is usually a good, quiet option as the bed movement is more lateral and the headboard is less likely to bang against the wall.
Despite your best efforts, you might still receive a knock on your door from a cranky guest. "You do run the risk of waking neighbors and disrupting their sleep patterns," says Van Kirk. "But then, you may also end up making them a little jealous."
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